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Read Joan Rivers’ Funniest Quotes About Food

Read Joan Rivers’ Funniest Quotes About Food


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Joan Rivers passes away at 81 and leaves behind a legacy of funny jokes, some of the best being all about food

Joan’s Food Quotes

In honor of the late Joan Rivers, we pulled a collection together of some of her wittiest, funniest jokes all about food. We hope you can find some solace in these incredible zingers:

  1. “We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.”
  2. “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”
  3. "Is she fat? … Her favorite food is seconds."
  4. “I take him to McDonald’s just to watch him eat and see the numbers change."
  5. Peter Marshall: “Time Life Books calls it the most complex lump of matter known to man. What is it?”

    Joan Rivers: “My eggs Benedict!”

  6. “My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake."
  7. “I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”

170 Funny Quotes From The World’s Funniest People :)

Here are 170 of the best funny quotes I could find. The goal? To make you relax, laugh and have a good time. Enjoy!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright Click to tweet

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb Click to tweet

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg Click to tweet

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Unknown Click to tweet


I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg Click to tweet

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray Click to tweet

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright Click to tweet

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright Click to tweet

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin Click to tweet


Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir Click to tweet

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde Click to tweet

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray Click to tweet

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain Click to tweet

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. Steven Wright Click to tweet

A few quick thoughts on fun and laughing…

Isn’t it great when you have a truly good laugh?

Don’t you have the impression that time stops and you’re 100% in the moment, appreciating it?

With the seriousness and busyness of modern life, it’s too easy to forget the importance and benefits of relaxing, chilling and having fun with friends.

Most of us, myself included, are always living the next-thing-next-thing-next-thing, without stopping.

I invite you to STOP, take a break, and enjoy a funny video or show of one your favorite comedian.


What I've Learned: Joan Rivers

Don't expect praise without envy -- until you're dead.

Comedy is an angry white man's game. Even if you're Chris Rock or Joan Rivers, you're really an angry white man.

God doesn't care that I have a sandwich on Yom Kippur. He cares that I helped a blind man across the street.

Truth is what I miss in a companion. Someone you can get into the car with after the party and say, "That fucking cunt, did you hear what she said?"

My second husband committed suicide, and I did suicide jokes. You laugh to get through it. I started thinking about jokes while I was walking uptown on 9/11.

Admiration should keep you at a distance.

I adore Sacha Cohen. I was one of the first to say, "You've gotta see him" when he was starting on HBO. I've been asking everybody, "What's he like? What's he like?" But I don't want to meet him and find out that he's a shit like Will Ferrell. And you can certainly put that in. It's disappointing to meet someone whose ego is bigger than his talent.

Men look great when they're a little used. They've done it, and they know about it. That's William Holden to me. Robert Mitchum. George Clooney is getting that look. That wonderful, wonderful lived-in look.

Men, you know what it's all about. It's all about continuing a race. You have to look good so he fucks you, so the next generation can come along. And once you've spawned, you can die.

Look, if Cleopatra hadn't had a great makeup man, she'd have gone down in history as a pig.

Did you see the Golden Globes? Ugly Betty wins a Golden Globe. Whatever her name is. The woman who plays Ugly Betty. And she gets up there and says, This is for all the ugly women all over the world. 'Cause it's not about beauty. It's about inner beauty. And the camera shows the audience, and there are all these women Botoxed to death -- hair extensions, fake breasts -- and they're all nodding: "That's right, that's right."

They always say how mean I am. But let me tell you, the smart ones get it. When I took out the jokes about Cher, she said, "Why am I not in your act anymore?"

Olivier once said to me, "I walk out onstage, spread my arms, and I tell myself, This is my circle. No one may enter it without my permission." How great is that? Only now, at this point in my life, do I walk on a stage and say, "This is my space. And if you don't like it, fuck you." Took me thirty-five years to get to this space.

I'm in a business where it's not about race. It's about talent. And hard work. Period. You got it, you make it. You don't got it, you don't make it. Over and out.

Fur is there to keep me warm. Look, I am a great animal activist -- two of my three dogs are rescued. And I only wear roadkill. But I mean, c'mon, I cannot be a hypocrite. I'm wearing leather shoes and eating chicken sandwiches.

Tell a joke to a comedian and he won't laugh. He'll point at you and say, "That's funny."

Businessmen -- with a capital B -- when they go into a meeting, they don't find anything funny.

Yeah, it's true. I was $37 million in debt. I'm not a businesswoman. My husband was a businessman. I never had to worry about business. Afterward, some son of a bitch took me public and absconded with the funds. And all these horrible bottom-feeders came in and bought up my name and my likeness.

What it does to you? When you're in debt for the rest of your life? When you cannot work? When you're sitting there at fifty-eight years old, and they're telling you you cannot use your name or your likeness? You cannot sell a piece of jewelry, you cannot go on television? Try that one on for size. That's when you wish you were a dyke. You can handle it then.

At one point, we were in a meeting with the bottom-feeders, and I had these beautiful gold earrings. They were given to me as a gift from Vincent Price, who was like a father to me. They were very heavy, and I took one off and said, "Why don't you just take my fucking earrings!" And I threw it at one of the men and it hit his face and cut him. And my lawyer said, "Joan, can you please step outside?" When I did, he said, "That's gonna cost another million. Next time, don't wear any jewelry."

The guy who absconded with the money, by the way, the SEC got him. He went to jail. A couple of butt-fucks later and he's out. Meanwhile, I'm still paying off my company. I will until the day I die.

A lot of downs. A lot of ups. I'm still standing. A little osteoporosis, but I'm still standing.

My last words? They might be, "But it was a joke. Put down the gun! It was a joke! Arrgh!"


Sylvester Stallone vs. Richard Gere

Sylvester Stallone and Richard Gere were set to star together in the 1974 film "The Lords of Flatbush" until the two didn't get along on the film's set. Gere's role would later be re-cast.

"We never hit it off," Sylvester said in 2006. "He would strut around in his oversized motorcycle jacket like he was the baddest knight at the round table."

The drama would get increasingly messy — literally. The two actors apparently also got into a physical fight over spilled chicken grease.

"I was eating a hot dog and [Richard] climbs in with a half a chicken covered in mustard with grease nearly dripping out of the aluminum wrapper," Sylvester said in the same interview. "I said, 'That thing is going to drip all over the place.' He said, 'Don't worry about it.' I said, 'If it gets on my pants, you're gonna know about it.' He proceeds to bite into the chicken and a small, greasy river of mustard lands on my thigh. I elbowed him in the side of the head and basically pushed him out of the car."


Community Reviews

Joan Rivers&apos achievements in fashion far outweighed her career as a comedian. Before her, the red carpet question was &aposWhat are you wearing&apos if it was even asked and the outfit just described. Stars dressed themselves at the time or the studio did. Then Joan asked, &aposWHO are you wearing?&apos and that started a new career of stylists.

Stars had always worn fashion house dresses and often paid for them. After Joan, they sent so many to the stars, banking on the massive publicity for their brands from Joan Rivers' achievements in fashion far outweighed her career as a comedian. Before her, the red carpet question was 'What are you wearing' if it was even asked and the outfit just described. Stars dressed themselves at the time or the studio did. Then Joan asked, 'WHO are you wearing?' and that started a new career of stylists.

Stars had always worn fashion house dresses and often paid for them. After Joan, they sent so many to the stars, banking on the massive publicity for their brands from the red carpet coverage, someone was needed to sort through them and accessorise them and then return them after use.

This industry started by Joan is vast, multi-billion. The stylists are not only paid well (and paid off by the fashion houses as well), the publicists have something to write about, the studios love the publicity and the tabloids can forget about proper journalism and just print PR releases. Major fashion distributors adapt the clothes for ordinary people meaning that a season later a lot of sheep will be baa-ing around the place in really awful clothes like the high-low hem and side-boob and the kind of shoes that are terribly uncomfortable and terribly expensive but have red soles! This makes the sheep feel on-trend, edgy, smug and that they are really cool people who have it going on. Really.

This is all living the American dream. This is uber-capitalism. Joan invented a new industry based on that simple phrase, "who are you wearing?" and one with built-in obsolescence needing continual expenditure to keep up. What a genius! No wonder she lived in an $18M apartment, she deserved it. Is it any wonder she won Celebrity Apprentice?

Joan as a comedian? Again a genius. I'm not talking about her stand-up comedy here, I never saw her do a show and her humour although it has some of the edginess of Lenny Bruce, her inspiration, is too American for me to really identify with. I'm talking about Fashion Police. Having built-up this industry of what stars wear, she then developed a show to knock them all down to size again. Such genius!

The person who says they don't have a bit of schadenfreude about them is telling big porkies. It was fun seeing her segments, "starlet or tramp" with the pics with the heads out of shot. It was fun seeing someone who was ultra-styled and looked ridiculous rubbished by the 'judges'. It was fun seeing the stars who had gone too far with the botox and fillers and mammary additions that in shape and size resembled half-canteloupes being exposed as figures of fun rather than exemplers of cool beauty.

Without Joan, Kim Kardashian and her fat arse would have been a flash-in-the-pan sleaze bag story. Her phenomenally boring family would have remained the major shoppers they are. Kelly Osbourne would be an unattractive and untalented daughter of a rock star still desperately trying to monetize her connections. Joan's daughter Melissa would have done what? She only ever hung off her mother's coat-tails anyway. These and many other talentless people benefited from the exposure (and jobs) Joan gave them.

So for Joan, for the author of the book 5*. For the book itself, the audio, to hear Joan, 5*, for content, well let's not go there, this review is dedicated to the late great businesswoman, Joan Rivers. Patron saint of old ladies who will not grow old, and people who do not take themselves too seriously at all. Love her.

Rewritten 27th March 2021 . more

When people tell you to go easy on the hate--and your instinct is to keep the HATE on high--but you know it&aposs pissing people off--well, thanks to Joan I feel like I, a self-proclaimed HATERRR. well, belong! Finally, the long-awaited BIBLE for HATERS. Reading this, one of the funniest books of all time, is like reading the transcript of one of Miss River&aposs brilliant stand up shows--minus, of course, the "it&aposs just. " after every punch line. This lady is FUCKING intelligent, y&aposall. Her experien When people tell you to go easy on the hate--and your instinct is to keep the HATE on high--but you know it's pissing people off--well, thanks to Joan I feel like I, a self-proclaimed HATERRR. well, belong! Finally, the long-awaited BIBLE for HATERS. Reading this, one of the funniest books of all time, is like reading the transcript of one of Miss River's brilliant stand up shows--minus, of course, the "it's just. " after every punch line. This lady is FUCKING intelligent, y'all. Her experience in the glamorous show biz life just fuels her hatred--this is the kind of stuff I naturally gravitate towards unconditionally! I compare it to falling down a rabbit hole & getting tickled until your nose bleeds! Every sentence or two contains a joke, & it is this type of pitch that keeps the giggles going constantly until the inevitable inward chortle is produced.

Read this my friends, & live a very happy-hater life!

Review to follow at some point:

I love love love love her!

What can I say.
An over-inflated ego, combined with a sense of self importance and a dire need for survival, are the coloring pencils of this book.

What can I say.
An over-inflated ego, combined with a sense of self importance and a dire need for survival, are the coloring pencils of this book.

She was right about one thing, the most important motto anyone could ever consider, and that is to laugh when it is not expected. It is the only way to get out of heartbreak, tragedy and bad hair days. It was her key to immense fortunes and fortitude. It was her mantra for survival. If you don't have an opinionated in-your-face friend like her, find one. They make a huge difference in our battle for survival.

So, if you need a u-turn in attitude and destiny, try a dollop of Joan. It will change your life forever.
. more

Bought this book in hardcover when it first came out. Love this book so much. that I keep my copy in my vehicle. In the event I forgot to bring a book or I have a long wait somewhere for whatever reason, my daughter or I will pick up this book and read aloud to each other and laugh &apostil we have tears in our eyes. We don&apost even use a bookmark!! Just pick it up and open it to any random page and begin. I do, however suggest you read the book through once, before using our unor FABULOUSLY FUNNY.

Bought this book in hardcover when it first came out. Love this book so much. that I keep my copy in my vehicle. In the event I forgot to bring a book or I have a long wait somewhere for whatever reason, my daughter or I will pick up this book and read aloud to each other and laugh 'til we have tears in our eyes. We don't even use a bookmark!! Just pick it up and open it to any random page and begin. I do, however suggest you read the book through once, before using our unorthodox method.

PLEASE - Only read the reviews of this book that have 5 star ratings and that truly give it the justice it deserves. I have no idea why I forgot to include this outrageously funny favorite before now.

Oh Joan, my queen of comedy. I miss you!! ♥ . more

Note to those that hated this book because they were offended, or it was too mean.

Either you don&apost know Joan Rivers or you didn&apost read the title of the book. If you were expecting a memoir, you must not have read the beginning of the book either where Joan explicitly states this is not a memoir, it is a comedy book and reads like a long stand-up routine. Ignore that Goodreads tag of autobiography-memoir, it&aposs NOT!

Much like any other comedian, Joan has a persona and part of that comedic persona Note to those that hated this book because they were offended, or it was too mean.

Either you don't know Joan Rivers or you didn't read the title of the book. If you were expecting a memoir, you must not have read the beginning of the book either where Joan explicitly states this is not a memoir, it is a comedy book and reads like a long stand-up routine. Ignore that Goodreads tag of autobiography-memoir, it's NOT!

Much like any other comedian, Joan has a persona and part of that comedic persona is vulgarity. Nothing is off limits and it is often about the shocking one-liner, if this is not your brand of humor do not read this book. It's as simple as that.

If you are more interested in the 'real' Joan Rivers I suggest watching her documentary, A Piece of Work, it's amazing.

People who are saying that this book is hateful and bitter must be thick because that is the whole point, it's in the fricken title. Just because YOUR offended that doesn't mean the joke isn't funny or that this book is bad.

.

Okay, that brings me to the end of my rant.

This book is enjoyable if you like Joan's brand of humor which is all about the one-liner. I'll admit it does get to be a little long if you read this book from start to finish, there's a reason comedy specials never exceed 90 mins. Plus, I'm a fan, somewhere between follower and avid, and as a result have heard a number of these jokes or ones that are similar. Additionally, I think that some of the magic of Joan's delivery is visual or somewhat conversational in tone and you don't get the full effect by just reading or listening, there's just something extra her presence adds.

I also wish there had been more celebrity brutality, I just love when Joan rips into Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow, it felt toned down in this book.

Still this book was very Joan, crude, and brash, and fun. She covers just about every group from mothers to Scientologists and every race, religion, and age group.

Some of the passages about death and what her funeral should be like took on an unintended degree of gravitas and when she said she hoped to beat Jack Benny and Phyllis Diller by working into her 100's I might have teared up. I'm sad she's gone and wish she had gotten a little more respect.

Joan, you will be missed, this Joan Ranger salutes you!

I fucking love this woman. She&aposs at the top of her game in her 70&aposs and come back more successfully from more personal and career bad shit than I can comprehend. And I mean truly at the top of her game she knows her craft and herself and the business so well that she is untouchable in her particular form of comedy genius. Un-fucking-touchable, y&aposall. You try it.

Most basically, this book is a collection of one-liners about culture and celebrities and the business which move light and fast and hi I fucking love this woman. She's at the top of her game in her 70's and come back more successfully from more personal and career bad shit than I can comprehend. And I mean truly at the top of her game she knows her craft and herself and the business so well that she is untouchable in her particular form of comedy genius. Un-fucking-touchable, y'all. You try it.

Most basically, this book is a collection of one-liners about culture and celebrities and the business which move light and fast and hit hard and move on it's a joy. I particularly like the spirit of taking on what I think of as a comic challenge - in this case, taking all fifty states and making up new names for them (Missouri, the Show Me state, becomes, the "I Showed You Mine Too and Now I'm in Jail" State.) I made that example up because I didn't want to take up the time to actually read the real one. Sorry, Joan. You did encourage us with a least a couple of "make up your own Snooki joke here", so I'm just running with it.

So in short read this and laugh and get a blast of fresh air. I finished it two days ago and read it again just today.

Let me start by saying I have never hated Joan Rivers. In fact, at one time, I loved, loved, loved her. Early in my career, back in her can-we-talk days, I interviewed her for a feature story and I still keep that yellow-edged article in my portfolio because I enjoyed our conversation so much.

But in recent years, I haven&apost loved her as much as I used to. I saw her live a few years ago and felt like she lost her edge, relying too much on the F-word to get her jokes across. I guess when you get t Let me start by saying I have never hated Joan Rivers. In fact, at one time, I loved, loved, loved her. Early in my career, back in her can-we-talk days, I interviewed her for a feature story and I still keep that yellow-edged article in my portfolio because I enjoyed our conversation so much.

But in recent years, I haven't loved her as much as I used to. I saw her live a few years ago and felt like she lost her edge, relying too much on the F-word to get her jokes across. I guess when you get to be her age -- as it should be -- you don't give a fuck what people think or say.

Well, Joan, you've won me over again with your latest book, "I Hate Everyone. Starting with Me" (Penguin Group). Within 10 pages, she had me in tears from laughing so hard. I think it was her definition of a tween: "which is just a teen who hasn't given a blow job yet." Actually, even before the book begins, the dedication page lets readers know they're in for a very un-PC diatribe because she dedicates it to two killers, including O.J. Simpson, because "maybe the lippy ex-wife had it coming."

Too soon? IT'S A JOKE, PEOPLE! And if you don't like that one, you probably won't enjoy ones about 9/11, the Holocaust or abortion, either.

That is the thing I've always loved about Joan: the courage to say inappropriate, funny things that will make people gasp both from horror and from laughing so hard. I believe the phrase "Oh no she di-ent" was first uttered at a Joan Rivers show. I said of her those many years ago after our interview that there were no sacred cows in Joan's pasture. And that statement remains as true today. She'll take potshots at anyone -- ugly babies, dumb children, lip-smacking old people, rude airline passengers, gay wives and lesbian grooms, and especially other celebrities -- skewer them and serve them up with a delicious punchline.

Actually, one of the best chapters is one about food and restaurants. Here's a juicy morsel: "I hate it when the waiter comes to the table and asks, 'Would you like to see a menu?' What's the correct response to that question: 'No. Let me guess what you have in the refrigerator.' Or 'No. I'm not worthy. I'll just eat the crumbs off of the lap of the old lady at table seven.'"

She writes with the same rapid-fire delivery that she uses on stage so that when you're reading the book, it's her voice that you hear in your head saying things like, "I hate 'dry' weddings where they don't serve alcohol. If I want dry, I'll spend time in the Mojave Desert or take pictures of my vagina" or "I've undergone more reconstruction than Baghdad." As the title indicates, Joan continues to do what she has always done best: make fun of herself.

To be frank (can we talk?) not all of the jokes work and some of the comedienne's references are so dated they show her age. I'm not sure one-liners about Sylvia Plath, Mickey Rooney or baby Jessica falling in a well in 1987 work that well today. But she makes up for it with plenty of current zingers about Jerry Sandusky that are spot on. But Joan knows her audience better than I do and in the end, it's a testament to her own longevity in show business that she can reference everyone from Clara Bow and Senor Wences to Kim Kardashian and Beyonce in her jokes, or stretch a comparison between Shirley Temple and kidnapping victim Jaycee Dugard.

And it wouldn't be a Joan Rivers book without at least a few Liz Taylor fat jokes. When they come from Joan, those are always funny, even if Ol' Violet Eyes is dead.
And Bea Arthur being a man. Again, always funny. Even if the Ol' Dickless Baritone is dead, too.

Not that she's ever gone away, but in my book Joan is back with a vengeance and a very funny new book. The world would be a happier place if there were more hatemongers like her. . more


15 Hilarious Quotes That Sum Up Exactly How You Feel About Cleaning

Let's just say, you'd rather be doing anything else.

If you're like us, you have a love-hate relationship with cleaning and organizing. Sure, it's nice to have a neat and tidy home, but that requires so much time and effort. Well it turns out, quite a few people feel the same way. Here are our favorite quotes about cleaning that will definitely make you say "same."

Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.

Nothing inspires cleanliness more than an unexpected guest.

Our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.

Everybody wants to save the earth no one wants to help mom do the dishes.

We dream of having a clean house &mdash but who dreams of actually doing the cleaning?


The best Dolly Parton quotes

A massive happy birthday is in order for Dolly Parton, who is today celebrating seven decades of gracing the world with her country hits and rhinestone encrusted cowboy boots. Aside from that, she has come out with some fantastic nuggets of wisdom (and also some downright hilarious quotes too).

In honour of the Queen of Country, here are our favourites.

1. On leadership. 'If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, then you are an excellent leader.'

2. On individuality. 'Its hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world.'

3. On fashion. 'It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.'

Dolly Parton in 1955 (aged 10)

4. On dieting. 'I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.'

5. On her cosmetic surgery. 'If I see something saggin', baggin', or draggin', I'm gone have it nipped, tucked, or sucked!'

6. On happiness. 'If you see someone without a smile give them yours.'

Dolly Parton in 1965 (aged 19)

7. On song writing. 'Songwriting is my way of channeling my feelings and my thoughts. Not just mine, but the things I see, the people I care about. My head would explode if I didn't get some of that stuff out.'

8. On her weaknesses. 'My weaknesses have always been food and men - in that order.'

9. On feminism. 'I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.'

Dolly Parton in 1970 (aged 24)

10. On intelligence. 'I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. and I also know that I'm not blonde.'

11. On country music. 'If you talk bad about country music, it's like saying bad things about my momma. Them's fightin' words.'

12. On life. 'If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.'

Dolly Parton in 1978 (aged 32)

13. On bravery. 'You'll never do a whole lot unless you're brave enough to try.'

14. On being 'old'. 'I'm old enough and cranky enough now that if someone tried to tell me what to do, I'd tell them where to put it.'

15. On turning 60. 'I'm not sixty, I'm "sexty".'

Dolly Parton in 1980 (aged 34)

16. On politics. 'I never, ever get involved in politics. With politics you are not allowed to be honest. I don't have time to deal with that. I would rather work with kids.'

17. On her favourite motto. 'Dream more, learn more, care more and be more.'

18. On home life. 'I look like a party doll but I'm very home-lovin'. I'm a homebody, and I'm family-oriented. I don't get out much unless it's a special occasion. So I guess people might be surprised at just how calm I really am.'

Dolly Partin in 1985 (aged 39)

19. On encouragement. 'I was blessed to have family members who encouraged me to pursue my dreams. Whether it is your parents, or your uncles or your aunts or even the neighbour down the road, it's important that kids have someone who encourages them to chase their rainbow.'

20. On feeling young. 'I feel blessed that I still have the little Dolly in my heart, I'm still the same girl that wants to squeeze every little drop out of life that I can.'

21. On dreams. 'Some of my dreams are so big they would scare you.'

Dolly Parton in 1990 (aged 44)

22. On ageing. 'I'm like a cartoon! I'll look this way when I'm eighty. I can see it now, people will be rolling me around in a wheelchair and I'll still have my big hair, nails, my high heels and my boobs stuck out!'

23. On money. 'Don't get so obsessed with making a living that you forget to make a life.'

24. On looking good. 'There's no such thing as natural beauty.'


Melissa Rivers gives touching speech about her mother Joan Rivers (VIDEO)

Speaking about her mother Joan Rivers for the first time in public since her passing, Melissa Rivers gave a very heartfelt, although still humorous, speech honoring the esteemed late comedian.

Speaking at The Hollywood Reporter‘s 2014 Women in Entertainment breakfast, Melissa kept the spirit of Joan alive by talking in a humorous tone about her mom and her life tribulations. But, although she chose to keep the mood light, the void Joan left behind for her and the rest of the world was also quite evident.

At one point, Melissa pointed out that she recently realized how fearless her mom really was when Amy Schumer made a speech about the iconic funny woman a few weeks ago, calling her “brave.” “But when I look back at her life [now], I think that might actually be the best word that applies to her.”

Known for her relentless truth-telling about other celebrities’ fashion choices, Joan really did have to be brave in a place like Hollywood, where one can be ostracized a minute after making “the wrong comment.” But, Melissa also revealed that Joan always wanted to be part of Tinseltown, even as a little girl.

“At 8, she went into her parents’ living room and took a picture off of the piano and sent it to MGM,” Melissa said in her speech. “In her mind, this little girl was clearly a star so she sent the photo, frame and all.” And while the movie giant never responded, and she riled her “formidable” grandmother for sending off a $50 frame, Joan did eventually reach her goal of becoming famous.

Despite the hardships and obstacles that come with a show business career, Joan fiercely conquered them and was successfully able to shine. “My mother was fearless, and I don’t mean she didn’t have any fears. I mean that although she was only 5𔃼″, she stood tall and walked through them. That is what made her such a brilliant performer.”

Melissa finished her speech by adding that Joan would have loved to be at Wednesday’s event and would probably be the one “discreetly shoving croissants and silverware into her purse.” But, she said that her dearly missed mother would also “not only be grateful and proud, she’d be beyond herself.”


30+ Quotes to Help With Moving On

Moving on can be tricky. Whether you're mourning the end of a romantic relationship, a sudden career change, or the death of a loved one, these are complicated feelings to work through. Even though with a little time and a little distance, we can learn to deal with the pain, it's still normal to miss someone or something that used to be a constant in your life.

But you have to move on! We're here to tell you to step away from the phone, and put away the photos. It's time to put renewed focus on living in the present. You're going to have to focus on healing now: exercise, focus on your job, and maybe even develop a daily mantra celebrating self love. Focus on wise words about loving yourself, as well as these quotes about starting with new beginnings after a particularly rough patch.


Community Reviews

Joan Rivers&apos achievements in fashion far outweighed her career as a comedian. Before her, the red carpet question was &aposWhat are you wearing&apos if it was even asked and the outfit just described. Stars dressed themselves at the time or the studio did. Then Joan asked, &aposWHO are you wearing?&apos and that started a new career of stylists.

Stars had always worn fashion house dresses and often paid for them. After Joan, they sent so many to the stars, banking on the massive publicity for their brands from Joan Rivers' achievements in fashion far outweighed her career as a comedian. Before her, the red carpet question was 'What are you wearing' if it was even asked and the outfit just described. Stars dressed themselves at the time or the studio did. Then Joan asked, 'WHO are you wearing?' and that started a new career of stylists.

Stars had always worn fashion house dresses and often paid for them. After Joan, they sent so many to the stars, banking on the massive publicity for their brands from the red carpet coverage, someone was needed to sort through them and accessorise them and then return them after use.

This industry started by Joan is vast, multi-billion. The stylists are not only paid well (and paid off by the fashion houses as well), the publicists have something to write about, the studios love the publicity and the tabloids can forget about proper journalism and just print PR releases. Major fashion distributors adapt the clothes for ordinary people meaning that a season later a lot of sheep will be baa-ing around the place in really awful clothes like the high-low hem and side-boob and the kind of shoes that are terribly uncomfortable and terribly expensive but have red soles! This makes the sheep feel on-trend, edgy, smug and that they are really cool people who have it going on. Really.

This is all living the American dream. This is uber-capitalism. Joan invented a new industry based on that simple phrase, "who are you wearing?" and one with built-in obsolescence needing continual expenditure to keep up. What a genius! No wonder she lived in an $18M apartment, she deserved it. Is it any wonder she won Celebrity Apprentice?

Joan as a comedian? Again a genius. I'm not talking about her stand-up comedy here, I never saw her do a show and her humour although it has some of the edginess of Lenny Bruce, her inspiration, is too American for me to really identify with. I'm talking about Fashion Police. Having built-up this industry of what stars wear, she then developed a show to knock them all down to size again. Such genius!

The person who says they don't have a bit of schadenfreude about them is telling big porkies. It was fun seeing her segments, "starlet or tramp" with the pics with the heads out of shot. It was fun seeing someone who was ultra-styled and looked ridiculous rubbished by the 'judges'. It was fun seeing the stars who had gone too far with the botox and fillers and mammary additions that in shape and size resembled half-canteloupes being exposed as figures of fun rather than exemplers of cool beauty.

Without Joan, Kim Kardashian and her fat arse would have been a flash-in-the-pan sleaze bag story. Her phenomenally boring family would have remained the major shoppers they are. Kelly Osbourne would be an unattractive and untalented daughter of a rock star still desperately trying to monetize her connections. Joan's daughter Melissa would have done what? She only ever hung off her mother's coat-tails anyway. These and many other talentless people benefited from the exposure (and jobs) Joan gave them.

So for Joan, for the author of the book 5*. For the book itself, the audio, to hear Joan, 5*, for content, well let's not go there, this review is dedicated to the late great businesswoman, Joan Rivers. Patron saint of old ladies who will not grow old, and people who do not take themselves too seriously at all. Love her.

Rewritten 27th March 2021 . more

When people tell you to go easy on the hate--and your instinct is to keep the HATE on high--but you know it&aposs pissing people off--well, thanks to Joan I feel like I, a self-proclaimed HATERRR. well, belong! Finally, the long-awaited BIBLE for HATERS. Reading this, one of the funniest books of all time, is like reading the transcript of one of Miss River&aposs brilliant stand up shows--minus, of course, the "it&aposs just. " after every punch line. This lady is FUCKING intelligent, y&aposall. Her experien When people tell you to go easy on the hate--and your instinct is to keep the HATE on high--but you know it's pissing people off--well, thanks to Joan I feel like I, a self-proclaimed HATERRR. well, belong! Finally, the long-awaited BIBLE for HATERS. Reading this, one of the funniest books of all time, is like reading the transcript of one of Miss River's brilliant stand up shows--minus, of course, the "it's just. " after every punch line. This lady is FUCKING intelligent, y'all. Her experience in the glamorous show biz life just fuels her hatred--this is the kind of stuff I naturally gravitate towards unconditionally! I compare it to falling down a rabbit hole & getting tickled until your nose bleeds! Every sentence or two contains a joke, & it is this type of pitch that keeps the giggles going constantly until the inevitable inward chortle is produced.

Read this my friends, & live a very happy-hater life!

Review to follow at some point:

I love love love love her!

What can I say.
An over-inflated ego, combined with a sense of self importance and a dire need for survival, are the coloring pencils of this book.

What can I say.
An over-inflated ego, combined with a sense of self importance and a dire need for survival, are the coloring pencils of this book.

She was right about one thing, the most important motto anyone could ever consider, and that is to laugh when it is not expected. It is the only way to get out of heartbreak, tragedy and bad hair days. It was her key to immense fortunes and fortitude. It was her mantra for survival. If you don't have an opinionated in-your-face friend like her, find one. They make a huge difference in our battle for survival.

So, if you need a u-turn in attitude and destiny, try a dollop of Joan. It will change your life forever.
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Bought this book in hardcover when it first came out. Love this book so much. that I keep my copy in my vehicle. In the event I forgot to bring a book or I have a long wait somewhere for whatever reason, my daughter or I will pick up this book and read aloud to each other and laugh &apostil we have tears in our eyes. We don&apost even use a bookmark!! Just pick it up and open it to any random page and begin. I do, however suggest you read the book through once, before using our unor FABULOUSLY FUNNY.

Bought this book in hardcover when it first came out. Love this book so much. that I keep my copy in my vehicle. In the event I forgot to bring a book or I have a long wait somewhere for whatever reason, my daughter or I will pick up this book and read aloud to each other and laugh 'til we have tears in our eyes. We don't even use a bookmark!! Just pick it up and open it to any random page and begin. I do, however suggest you read the book through once, before using our unorthodox method.

PLEASE - Only read the reviews of this book that have 5 star ratings and that truly give it the justice it deserves. I have no idea why I forgot to include this outrageously funny favorite before now.

Oh Joan, my queen of comedy. I miss you!! ♥ . more

Note to those that hated this book because they were offended, or it was too mean.

Either you don&apost know Joan Rivers or you didn&apost read the title of the book. If you were expecting a memoir, you must not have read the beginning of the book either where Joan explicitly states this is not a memoir, it is a comedy book and reads like a long stand-up routine. Ignore that Goodreads tag of autobiography-memoir, it&aposs NOT!

Much like any other comedian, Joan has a persona and part of that comedic persona Note to those that hated this book because they were offended, or it was too mean.

Either you don't know Joan Rivers or you didn't read the title of the book. If you were expecting a memoir, you must not have read the beginning of the book either where Joan explicitly states this is not a memoir, it is a comedy book and reads like a long stand-up routine. Ignore that Goodreads tag of autobiography-memoir, it's NOT!

Much like any other comedian, Joan has a persona and part of that comedic persona is vulgarity. Nothing is off limits and it is often about the shocking one-liner, if this is not your brand of humor do not read this book. It's as simple as that.

If you are more interested in the 'real' Joan Rivers I suggest watching her documentary, A Piece of Work, it's amazing.

People who are saying that this book is hateful and bitter must be thick because that is the whole point, it's in the fricken title. Just because YOUR offended that doesn't mean the joke isn't funny or that this book is bad.

.

Okay, that brings me to the end of my rant.

This book is enjoyable if you like Joan's brand of humor which is all about the one-liner. I'll admit it does get to be a little long if you read this book from start to finish, there's a reason comedy specials never exceed 90 mins. Plus, I'm a fan, somewhere between follower and avid, and as a result have heard a number of these jokes or ones that are similar. Additionally, I think that some of the magic of Joan's delivery is visual or somewhat conversational in tone and you don't get the full effect by just reading or listening, there's just something extra her presence adds.

I also wish there had been more celebrity brutality, I just love when Joan rips into Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow, it felt toned down in this book.

Still this book was very Joan, crude, and brash, and fun. She covers just about every group from mothers to Scientologists and every race, religion, and age group.

Some of the passages about death and what her funeral should be like took on an unintended degree of gravitas and when she said she hoped to beat Jack Benny and Phyllis Diller by working into her 100's I might have teared up. I'm sad she's gone and wish she had gotten a little more respect.

Joan, you will be missed, this Joan Ranger salutes you!

I fucking love this woman. She&aposs at the top of her game in her 70&aposs and come back more successfully from more personal and career bad shit than I can comprehend. And I mean truly at the top of her game she knows her craft and herself and the business so well that she is untouchable in her particular form of comedy genius. Un-fucking-touchable, y&aposall. You try it.

Most basically, this book is a collection of one-liners about culture and celebrities and the business which move light and fast and hi I fucking love this woman. She's at the top of her game in her 70's and come back more successfully from more personal and career bad shit than I can comprehend. And I mean truly at the top of her game she knows her craft and herself and the business so well that she is untouchable in her particular form of comedy genius. Un-fucking-touchable, y'all. You try it.

Most basically, this book is a collection of one-liners about culture and celebrities and the business which move light and fast and hit hard and move on it's a joy. I particularly like the spirit of taking on what I think of as a comic challenge - in this case, taking all fifty states and making up new names for them (Missouri, the Show Me state, becomes, the "I Showed You Mine Too and Now I'm in Jail" State.) I made that example up because I didn't want to take up the time to actually read the real one. Sorry, Joan. You did encourage us with a least a couple of "make up your own Snooki joke here", so I'm just running with it.

So in short read this and laugh and get a blast of fresh air. I finished it two days ago and read it again just today.

Let me start by saying I have never hated Joan Rivers. In fact, at one time, I loved, loved, loved her. Early in my career, back in her can-we-talk days, I interviewed her for a feature story and I still keep that yellow-edged article in my portfolio because I enjoyed our conversation so much.

But in recent years, I haven&apost loved her as much as I used to. I saw her live a few years ago and felt like she lost her edge, relying too much on the F-word to get her jokes across. I guess when you get t Let me start by saying I have never hated Joan Rivers. In fact, at one time, I loved, loved, loved her. Early in my career, back in her can-we-talk days, I interviewed her for a feature story and I still keep that yellow-edged article in my portfolio because I enjoyed our conversation so much.

But in recent years, I haven't loved her as much as I used to. I saw her live a few years ago and felt like she lost her edge, relying too much on the F-word to get her jokes across. I guess when you get to be her age -- as it should be -- you don't give a fuck what people think or say.

Well, Joan, you've won me over again with your latest book, "I Hate Everyone. Starting with Me" (Penguin Group). Within 10 pages, she had me in tears from laughing so hard. I think it was her definition of a tween: "which is just a teen who hasn't given a blow job yet." Actually, even before the book begins, the dedication page lets readers know they're in for a very un-PC diatribe because she dedicates it to two killers, including O.J. Simpson, because "maybe the lippy ex-wife had it coming."

Too soon? IT'S A JOKE, PEOPLE! And if you don't like that one, you probably won't enjoy ones about 9/11, the Holocaust or abortion, either.

That is the thing I've always loved about Joan: the courage to say inappropriate, funny things that will make people gasp both from horror and from laughing so hard. I believe the phrase "Oh no she di-ent" was first uttered at a Joan Rivers show. I said of her those many years ago after our interview that there were no sacred cows in Joan's pasture. And that statement remains as true today. She'll take potshots at anyone -- ugly babies, dumb children, lip-smacking old people, rude airline passengers, gay wives and lesbian grooms, and especially other celebrities -- skewer them and serve them up with a delicious punchline.

Actually, one of the best chapters is one about food and restaurants. Here's a juicy morsel: "I hate it when the waiter comes to the table and asks, 'Would you like to see a menu?' What's the correct response to that question: 'No. Let me guess what you have in the refrigerator.' Or 'No. I'm not worthy. I'll just eat the crumbs off of the lap of the old lady at table seven.'"

She writes with the same rapid-fire delivery that she uses on stage so that when you're reading the book, it's her voice that you hear in your head saying things like, "I hate 'dry' weddings where they don't serve alcohol. If I want dry, I'll spend time in the Mojave Desert or take pictures of my vagina" or "I've undergone more reconstruction than Baghdad." As the title indicates, Joan continues to do what she has always done best: make fun of herself.

To be frank (can we talk?) not all of the jokes work and some of the comedienne's references are so dated they show her age. I'm not sure one-liners about Sylvia Plath, Mickey Rooney or baby Jessica falling in a well in 1987 work that well today. But she makes up for it with plenty of current zingers about Jerry Sandusky that are spot on. But Joan knows her audience better than I do and in the end, it's a testament to her own longevity in show business that she can reference everyone from Clara Bow and Senor Wences to Kim Kardashian and Beyonce in her jokes, or stretch a comparison between Shirley Temple and kidnapping victim Jaycee Dugard.

And it wouldn't be a Joan Rivers book without at least a few Liz Taylor fat jokes. When they come from Joan, those are always funny, even if Ol' Violet Eyes is dead.
And Bea Arthur being a man. Again, always funny. Even if the Ol' Dickless Baritone is dead, too.

Not that she's ever gone away, but in my book Joan is back with a vengeance and a very funny new book. The world would be a happier place if there were more hatemongers like her. . more


Watch the video: Joan Rivers - Best Moments part one (July 2022).


Comments:

  1. Dairamar

    Great idea, I maintain.

  2. Dwaine

    The man has got!

  3. Averell

    Bravo, this excellent idea is necessary just by the way



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